THE SECRET LIVES OF JEWISH WIVES

Who knew that Jewish wives had secret lives?? I was shocked when I slipped into a seat at the JCC to listen to Iris Krasnow, the author of The Secret Life of Wives, and looked around at the capacity crowd. The oversized room was full of familiar women’s faces. I told myself I was there only because I was looking for an idea for a future Mishugas column, but, truth be told, I was totally interested in finding out how the two hundred women the author interviewed had kept a twenty or more year marriage together. If there was a secret to sustaining a marriage for the long haul, I wanted to hear about it. Though I have been married three times, this present and final marriage is going on 22 years, certainly a record for me. My first marriage collapsed when the erstwhile rabbi moved out after 8 years of wedded non-bliss, my second marriage ended after 16 years when my then husband was killed in an auto crash, and my present husband and I are still hanging in there after two plus decades. I was anxious to compare notes with the women in Krasnow’s research as well as with the other Jewish women in the audience. Is it possible there were some things I didn’t know that would guarantee a long-lived relationship? Drawing us into her topic, Ms. Krasnow bluntly stated that she had been married over twenty years and there were times during the same week when she absolutely loved her husband and also completely loathed him. It wasn’t that she was unstable, but that different situations brought about different reactions. She made it clear that she was a journalist, not a therapist, but she did learn much from the women she interviewed. For one thing, they chucked the chick-flick image of the perfect union where there Is only harmony after marriage. Being realistic about what to expect was the first step in building a solid marriage. As we all know, men and women are truly different in their approach to problem solving and also in their ranking of what’s most important. The women in her book built relationships over the years through honest and compassionate conversations and learned to eliminate spontaneous confrontations. It all came down to words: what we decide to say and when and how we choose to say it. Those of us in the room who were nodding our heads know that the Book of Proverbs is correct when it states, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold.” The problem is it isn’t always easy to speak a word fitly spoken. How often do we speak without thinking or considering the reaction of our partner? How often do we have unrealistic expectations of our mate – expectations that don’t fit with his personality or goals or even his likes or dislikes? The women she interviewed had faced and conquered these problems. Gulp…I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. But as Jewish women, we mostly come from households where our opinions matter and we expect to be more of a partner than an order taker. We are not afraid to speak our minds though our tone of voice and timing might need some tweaking. All this reminded me of my first playwriting contest. I wrote a scene about Sarah, Abraham’s wife, when he told her they were moving, but he didn’t exactly know where. He said God had spoken to him to pack up his family and his possessions and move to “God knows where.” (This was undoubtedly the first time this expression was used!) Imagining her reaction was easy. First, she must have thought her husband was crazy, especially since no one before Abraham had ever claimed to have “heard from God.” And why did they have to move? She had just finished decorating their home in Ur, a great place to live at that time. Should she take her good dishes? Would there be a decent butcher and bakery where they were going? What about her housekeeper? Could she come along even though she wasn’t technically family? Did Sarah ever think this might be a good time to leave Abraham? I mean, how much mishugas was a wife supposed to put up with? My granddaughter is planning her wedding this coming fall, and I marvel at how her fiancée and she talk through the various questions that need to be answered. What date? What location? How many people can each of them invite? What kind of food should be served? Should they plan a honeymoon? Who will perform the wedding? The questions go on and on, and they have to talk them through and come to agreement on all of them. It seems to me that planning a wedding is the perfect classroom for learning to communicate. You are so much in love that you want to please your partner yet you still have your own ideas on what should be done. If you don’t agree, you must both be willing to compromise. Gratefully, my days of planning a wedding are long past. But I need to get back to writing my next book, A Husband is Not a Girlfriend. And I will do that as soon as my husband and I get back from Chico’s after looking for a new outfit for me.